CHASE YOUR RAINBOW
Chase Your Rainbow
Admittedly, I've had a very blessed life. I have an incredible wife, an amazing family (yes even Maggie), and friends that would do anything for me like I would them. My parents could not have been better role models, instilling the importance of hard work and treating others with respect and integrity. This has been my foundation and an integral force for all the positive things that have happened in my life. Working harder than others helped me get in the starting lineup and in my professional life promotions. How I did it (at least tried) was by thinking of others and the big picture; the results - lifelong friends and mentors. I would like to think (and my siblings and friends won't be shocked) that I've earned everything. However, I realize the significance of luck and the immense impact it has had on my life. What if Bill and Teresa never met, Steph never visited Maggie at SLU, I never picked up a basketball, and so on and so on. I have been incredibly lucky; however, every coin has two sides and so far, 2019 has proven that to be true.
Most people reading this are probably pretty confused. In the beginning of the year (January 2019) the Hoercher clan, including all 300 Hitchock girls, went to Vermont for a family vacation. It was such an amazing trip and was capped off by incredible news from Steph, she's pregnant!! She just found out on the trip so it was super early, but Emily's reaction (literally falling to the floor) exemplified our excitement. After the initial shock our minds raced as we looked into the future, discussing how close in age our baby would be with his/her cousin Billy, buying matching outfits, going to the same schools, etc. It was perfect. A few weeks later Steph and I would fall to the ground for a different reason, we had a miscarriage.
Steph had tickets to a Justin Timberlake concert in Buffalo that weekend. She had been planning the trip with her girlfriends for months but for obvious reasons, she wasn't sure about going. I felt that it would help so I convinced her to go. She deserved to have some fun and I knew her friends would be there to support her. She came back in a better emotional state than when she left and I was "proud" that I pushed her along. I felt that I stepped up. No easy task, if you know Steph; it can be difficult to convince her to do something that she may not want to do. We soon realized miscarriages are a lot more common than we thought. Not just our own research (Google) but people far and wide reached out telling us about their experiences. It helped to talk about it and the support we received was amazing. I was so impressed and amazed with Steph at this time. Her resolve to have a family didn’t waiver one millimeter so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, when only a few weeks later she told me that she was pregnant again. Our Rainbow Baby!!
We barely had time to mourn and she was pregnant again. It's hard to explain those emotions, but we were so excited. I don’t know what it was but the second pregnancy (for me) felt more real. It's almost like I woke up from a dream. Ok, I'm going to be a father - maybe I shouldn't buy that new driver, that money could go into a 529 plan. The initial dr. visits were great and Steph was just about to be released from the OBGYN when the unthinkable happened, we had another miscarriage. This time we had to act fast and they advised that Steph get a DNC right away so they could get more information. In my head I'm doing the math if the chance of a miscarriage is 20%, then the chance of having two is 4%, but what if it's not just luck/probability what if something is wrong? What if we can’t have a child?
I tried to stay strong and not show emotions because I couldn't imagine what Steph was going through. Whatever I was feeling, it was nothing compared to what she was experiencing. I had something scheduled the day of the DNC. I’m sure it was something work related, but I can't even remember what it was. Looking back on it I cannot believe I didn’t cancel it, but my pregnant sister was there for Steph and drove her out to Livingston, NJ. I arrived at the hospital before the operation, but I was so grateful for my sister in that moment. When I got there, they were joking/laughing about something. It is exactly what we needed.
The ride back from the hospital was a blur but I remember a good amount of silence. We wanted answers but wouldn't have them for a while. As we rode the elevator up to our apartment I couldn't contain the range of emotions circling within. I can't remember (or maybe don't want to) if I actually punched the elevator wall or almost did. I can’t remember if I cried or yelled or said nothing at all. All I do remember is that Steph was there, holding me up, telling me that everything was going to be ok. My wife who just had just been through emotional and physical hell, was holding me up. Her strength gave me strength. Her hope gave me hope. I couldn't have loved her more. Steph amazes and surprises me all the time, but that one will be hard to top.
As the weeks went by the support again flooded in and helped keep us afloat. The results from the DNC came back and it was good and bad news. It was a bad pregnancy, the result of twice the amount of chromosomes. The dr. explained it as something that in our situation occurs less than 1% of the time. I recalculated the probability of back to back miscarriages with the adjusted odds, 0.20%. Was it just bad luck? Although still painful, bad luck was the best result for the situation. There wasn’t time to fully process our bad luck because a month or so later, Steph was pregnant again. Our Second Rainbow Baby!!!
We were not the only ones that were cautiously excited. When we told people who knew about the prior miscarriages, they didn't react the same way they did a month and 2 months before. It's almost as if, like we were, they were preparing for the possibility of bad news down the road. However, the bad news did not come and during the gender reveal - I hit a 350 yard drive down an imaginary fairway showing that - we were having a boy!! Each step we took made it more and more real and as time progressed, we started to think about names. I had no idea how difficult it would be naming another person (especially with how many people we know) but Chase eventually made it to the top of our list.
One weekend I went golfing. Ok, I go golfing every weekend so maybe not the best reference, but this weekend was different (and not because I saw Steve Smith the ex-NFL player on the golf course). As I was driving home, I saw a rainbow that looked like it landed into the planetarium of Liberty Science Center. I thought, that looks cool - I wish I could take a picture but I would probably crash the Nox if I tried. Not 10 seconds later, I saw a second rainbow encompassing Jersey City like the top of a dome. This is crazy. I have no idea if it's rare to see two rainbows in a row, but it has to be lucky. Who knows, maybe Steph won't be mad at me for playing 27 holes instead of 18.
It didn’t even dawn on me until I got back and saw Steph (btw she was not happy) that I just saw two rainbows, two rainbow babies. I had probably heard similar expressions a thousand times but I asked Steph to confirm it was a real expression, chase your rainbow. After she realized I wasn’t making fun of her, the name of our first-born son became clear: Chase Joseph Hoercher ; CJ if he wants.
I think I was moved to write this for a variety of reasons. There have been so many people that have helped us throughout this journey and we couldn't be more grateful. We love and thank you all. It taught me to be more vocal with my feelings, people will constantly surprise you in a positive way if you let them in. It is also a way to acknowledge Steph and how amazing she is. I don’t say it enough, but I am so in love and proud of her for everything. But it also may be a platform for my first advice as a father - to chase your dreams regardless what they are. If you want to be a professional basketball player or golfer, social worker, teacher, dancer, whatever - go for it! You cannot avoid hard work, there are no shortcuts in life and it is critical to treat others with kindness and respect. You will have bad breaks, setbacks, and bad luck, but you will always have the love and support of your parents and extended family. The last piece of it, I think I was moved to write this for anyone who has had a lot of bad luck recently. You are not alone. Although you may not see or feel it, there are people out there that can and will provide support. Every coin has two sides, so just keep flipping until it works out in your favor.
-Andrew Hoercher, September 2019
(I sent Steph a draft of this on “National Rainbow Baby Day” with no idea that it existed. Crazy! )
